• If you pet your pet rock enough, it’ll wear out. And you’ll be sad again

  • Ordering a single 18-inch pizza is better than ordering two 12-inch pizzas. (18-inch pizza=π(18/2)2 =255. 2 12-inch pizzas=2 x π(12/2)2=226 if you want the reason!)

  • The sight of me trying to swim amuses penguins

  • I just laid on my office floor. Now I know what it would feel like to carry the whole planet in a backpack

  • The Moon has never been touched by a woman

  • I have more ancestors than all of my ancestors

  • You can tell how much juice is still in a can by how high the drinker raises their arm

  • If you feel depressed and all alone, just miss a few payments on your credit card

  • Someone with a $40,000 Rolex watch could either be really good with money - or really bad with money

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